Attention, Celebrities in Trouble: Gary Ostrow is Here!

We've often lamented the poor writing quality of certain lawyer press releases, which appear to be written in an office in Hyderabad and then fed haphazardly into Google Translate.

Consider this opening paragraph about Broward attorney Gary Ostrow:

Criminal Defense Attorney Gary Ostrow has recently announced his intention to take on all celebrity criminal cases in the state of Florida, effective immediately.

Effective immediately?  Good to know.

But will he even take on D-listers?

Recognizing that star-studded actors and athletes often face an unfair bias in the courtroom, Ostrow a Fort Lauderdale, Florida lawyer seeks to acquit any and all celebrities wrongfully charged of serious crimes. 

But what if they were correctly charged?

There's also the "notoriety" factor:

In his 30 years as a Criminal Defense attorney, Gary Ostrow has gained notoriety for his aggressive trial advocacy, thorough understanding of the law and passion for his clients. A former high-profile client went on record stating, "Unlike most lawyers, Mr. Ostrow places his clients' acquittals as his top priority."

I think they mean fame?

Also, if the former high-profile client won't identify herself, then she is not "on record."

Brian Moskowitz May Get Clients Because He is a "Best Catch"!

I don't know about you, but if I need to hire a lawyer in Boca it sure doesn't hurt that he's been named a "best catch" by some local promotional magazine.

I see I'm not alone:

Moskowitz believes that the increase in clients from Boca Raton stems from many factors including his firm’s focus on doing what’s right and always keeping the client’s best interests at heart.

Moskowitz also commented that “the fact that I am a single parent and was recently named one of 'The Best Catches' in South Florida by Boca Life Magazine hasn’t hurt.”

Come on, let's be honest -- doing what's right, keeping client's best interests at heart yada yada yada, we know what's really driving these Boca folks crazy......

Plus he claims he's "passionate" -- what more do you need?

Hyderabad Continues To Employ Many People.

And at least three hundred are personally assigned to assisting David Joffe craft the very best press release possible.

Here is the powerful opening paragraph:

People running helter-skelter to find the best criminal attorney in Fort Lauderdale do not have to worry now, as David J. Joffe is an expert best criminal lawyer in Fort Lauderdale to give a strong advocacy to your case.

"Expert best" -- I assume this is somehow better than just "best."

A near-perfect introduction, but is it possible to improve on this text?

Let's see:

Advocate Joffe also has a listing in the Martindale-Hubbell Bar Register of Preeminent Lawyers making him one of the top five criminal attorneys in the US.

Top five?

Not too shabby.

I don't want to roam into Brian Tannebaum's area of expertise, and I actually like David and think he's a fine lawyer, but isn't there a way to clean this up just a little bit?

Ok, this stuff is too good, here's one more:

Moreover, you will come across many advertisements in Fort Lauderdale for hiring a criminal attorney, but it is crucial not to depend on them because for a fort lauderdale criminal attorney what counts the most is experience.

Advocate David J. Joffe makes strategies for cases keeping in mind the minimization of effects and consequences of criminal cases, so that clients can have more of their concentration in their professional and personal lives.

All these along with the experience of various cases make Advocate Joffes credentials undisputable. You can stay completely satisfied with your case once Advocate Joffe takes your case in hand.

If you have an accusation registered in any criminal litigation, then it is in your best interest to consult Advocate Joffe and Joffe and his staff will devise an effectual defense plan.

I agree -- if your choices are between an "effectual defense plan" and an "ineffectual defense plan," I would tend to opt for the former but, again, this is not my area of expertise.

Yay -- Someone in Hyderabad Likes Me!

Why else would I wind up with so many expertly-written law firm press releases?

This time we even have partially-literate quotes from the "official spokesperson of the firm":

Drucker Law Offices is one such legal firm that has handled lots of accidental cases in favor of the victim. The official spokesperson of the firm elaborates on the situation with his comment “There has been a threatening rise in the number of accidents in Miami in the last couple of years. Most of them have resulted from negligence which is an offence under the law. Our primarily role is to make sure that the victim is compensated for all the damages and the trauma along with any associated claims that should be handed out by insurance companies.”

 Yes -- they have in fact handled "lots of accidental cases"! 

(Some cases may have even been filed on purpose.)

The unnamed official spokesperson also helpfully elaborates on what their "primarily role" exactly is.

In conclusion, when it comes to "claims that should be handed out by insurance companies" you cannot go wrong with Drucker Law Offices, or so says their official spokesperson.

Just in From Hyderabad!

We've previously looked at lawyer press releases that were obviously written by someone with a poor to nonexistent understanding of the English language.

It's a mystery why these things are not edited before they go online, because you're not really doing anyone any favors by putting out an amusingly mangled description of your incredibly awesome legal abilities.

In walks today's edition.

Let's start with the title --  Now You Can Get For Yourself the Best Miami Criminal Attorney

Only now?

And literally the "Best Miami Criminal Attorney"?

From what I understand David's a pretty good lawyer, but my Dad always said no matter how good you think you are there's always someone better.

(Thanks for that vote of confidence, Daddy!)

Here's where they explain who they are:

Locating a perfect Criminal Attorney in Miami is not easy if you do not make proper research. Or else, you may end up choosing an inexperienced lawyer. Joffe and Joffe can offer you the best Criminal defense attorney, who can make things easy for you.

Indeed, if you're not careful you may end up hiring this guy everyone is talking about.

I also like this part:

Mr. Joffe has various achievements to his name and because of his efficiency and ability, Martindale Hubbell has ranked him an ‘AV’. Not many lawyers are capable of acquiring this ranking. This ranking is something that talks about his uniqueness. If you intent to know more about the attorney’s past experience and work, you need to contact his office, and they will soon send you a written record of his past experience and achievements.

Ok, this has to be a Google Translate Hindi/English translation.

Here is the above text as it was probably originally written:

श्री Joffe अपने नाम करने के लिए और की वजह से उसकी कार्यकुशलता और क्षमता विभिन्न उपलब्धियों है, Martindale Hubbell उसे स्थान दिया गया है एक 'ए वी'. नहीं बहुत से वकील इस रैंकिंग प्राप्त करने में सक्षम हैं. इस क्रम में कुछ है कि उनकी विशिष्टता के बारे में बात करती है. अगर आप इरादे वकील अतीत के अनुभव और काम के बारे में अधिक पता करने के लिए, आप अपने कार्यालय से संपर्क करने की आवश्यकता है, और वे जल्दी ही आप अपने अतीत के अनुभव और उपलब्धियों की एक लिखित रिकॉर्ड भेज देंगे.

Wow, that's pretty impressive -- you're hired!

This is What Happens When You Outsource Your Press Release.

Someone contact Hyderabad, stat:

The Abreu Law Firm is one of the Miami Law Firms set up in the year 2007 ever since then it has been rendering their services to its customers to deal with legal cases and assist them in removing the charges forced over them. Federal lawyer at Abreu Law Firm sets a quality on complete service criminal justification coupled with exceptional customer care. This is situated in Miami; however it takes clients from different cities within the boundaries of Florida. This firm devotes itself exclusively for criminal defense; it can center its proficiency on dealing with your case to get you the top result probable.

 Did you hear that -- Bob's firm will "get you the top result probable!!!" 

I definitely recommend reading the whole thing.

Estate Lawyers Announce New Website!

Here at SFL headquarters our crack team of researchers pore over a lot of press releases, so perhaps we're a bit jaded.

But let me make a suggestion -- save your press releases for something mildly important, newsworthy, or otherwise interesting.

I'm not certain this one qualifies as any of the above:

Miller and O’Neill, Attorneys at Law announces the launch of their newly revised website. The South Florida Estate Planning and Trust Administration Law Firm's new site features dedicated sections with extensive information about their practice areas and a blog section with valuable estate planning resource articles. Additional components and multimedia content includes an interactive flash services header on the home page, in-depth attorney profiles, resource links, community involvement projects, and other useful components are featured on Miller & O’Neill's new site.

Ok guys, I know you're excited, but we're talking estate planning.

I don't know if I ever want "multimedia content" or "an interactive flash services header" when someone is trying to explain to me the laws of intestacy -- unless it's R-rated (but I'm funny like that).

BTW, their snazzy new website is here.