Ira Elegant on Elin Woods!

No, not like that.

Ok, maybe not the best headline, but amid reports that Elin Woods may receive as much as $100 million plus child support, none other than our own uber-mensch Ira Elegant weighs in on the proposed settlement and the possibility they may file it in a po-dunk county to avoid press scrutiny:

Ira M. Elegant, a Miami-based lawyer who has represented New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez and NBA star Shaquille O'Neal in divorce proceedings, said Woods' camp would have a hard time fooling anyone over the venue.

"The first thing somebody in the clerk's office would do is pick up the phone, and it would probably get out by word of mouth before they even dialed," he said.

Limiting what's in the filing, experts say, would be Woods' best chance to keep details private.

In Florida, a financial affidavit and a child-support worksheet, both requiring detailed assets and income statements, are among the documents that must be completed. There have been cases, however, where the court has allowed those numbers to remain blank. There's also a possibility that a judge could seal the filing in "the best interests of the children."

"If you can find a sympathetic judge, it's possible to keep a lot of information out of public record," Elegant said.

If you can find a sympathetic judge, you can do a lot of things.

SFL Friday -- Heartfelt Apologies to All!

Well it's been an eventful week filled with mirth and merriment, and it's not even over yet.

I mean, just today Tiger read a statement about his sex life and Paul Penichet filed a lawsuit described as "a shakedown" by the (allegedly) very randy defendant, Casaurina owner Pete Halmos.

Then there's the mistrial just declared in Milt Ferrell's asbestos case.

But I was most fascinated by this story that Constant Complainer linked to about a Miami couple who were enticed by monetary incentives and land grants to move to rural North Dakota, where they discovered that midwestern small-town love:

Hay bales, a gas station and a graveyard greet visitors as they roll into Hazelton off the state highway.

Michael Tristani came from his native Florida wearing gold necklaces and a Rolex and driving a Lexus. He proved as foreign as a flamingo in a place where pickups, farm caps and flannel shirts are de rigueur.

"People thought I was a drug dealer," he said.

And that's probably being generous.

Hey, don't feel so bad -- I believe the last Jew to live in that area was played by Gene Wilder and rode in on a horse.

Well kids I'm off to put on my hermetically-sealed windsurfing gear, so stay warm this weekend and eat lots of red, yellow and green food (but then if you're a Star Trek geek you already know that).

Have a great weekend!

My Advice To Tiger Woods.

OK, so you finally did something smart.

Your latest statement, following two pathetic attempts, was much better:

I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I've done, but I want to do my best to try.

Thank you -- "infidelity" is infinitely superior to "transgression."

And this time you're not blaming the media (poor form given all you knew you did) or railing against "unfounded and malicious rumors" that turned out to be true.

Your lawyer Mark NeJame kept the cops at bay and you wound up with a parking ticket, so that part's done.

But your ridiculous changing story lines and two initial statements were major missteps.

Now after finally demonstrating acceptance and refusing to battle the emerging salacious details and the press, you are on the right path.

Next thing is to stay silent and let all the rumors and details emerge -- you can't control them at this point, and it's best to get them all out there now.

Photos, sex the night your Dad died, possible love children, get it all out in the open. They will eventually taper off.

While this is happening, get the wife back on board -- revise the prenup and give her what she wants:

According to reports, Tiger Woods is offering Elin Nordegren $5 million immediately to stay married to him now and a $55 million prenuptial if she sticks with him for another two years.

Their current prenuptial gives Elin a $20 million settlement only if the two have remained married for 10 years.

The prenuptial rewrite entails a reduction in the time period to seven years along with a $55 million settlement staggered over five years that could be worth more than $75 million.

When you have her back by your side, get ready for Oprah sometime in mid March -- long enough for all the details to have come out, but early enough to have an impact on your triumphant, chastened return to the Masters in April.

Your sports-loving fan base will accept you -- hail they already do, given that your reckless behavior and choice of women reflect an air-dried, objectified Playboy pinup fantasy that plays well with many an American sports fan.

That means your sponsors -- catering to these fans -- will come back if you continue on this path to public redemption.

Oh yeah, two other things.

One, the mainstream media dropped the ball completely on this story. Forget the sports press -- beholden to you, your sponsors, IMG etc. -- you never gave them access and you punished reporters who did not comply with your rules, so no wonder you were never caught and no one even thought to try to catch you.

Yes, it was the lowly National Enquirer again breaking a massive story that the MSM missed, though they're just as willing to dupe their readers in exchange for access:

Earlier that year, according to Neal Boulton, the former editor in chief of Men's Fitness magazine, the National Enquirer squelched a story about a tryst Woods had in an SUV in exchange for Woods agreeing to pose for the cover of Men's Fitness. Both publications are owned by American Media Inc. The New York Post reported the agreement Dec. 2.

Second, get some help.

Does this behavior indicate a man that is happy with himself and his place in life?

I'm not a big fan of "sex addiction" (except on Showtime's excellent Californication), but your self-destructive, desperate behavior has to be addressed before you can ever hope to move on.

In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the ride.

A Personal Confession.

I have let the federal judiciary and the bar down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior the court system deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my brethren. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Wait.

Hold on, you thought....?

No no, that's not me or even Tiger -- that's my fantasy of the Supreme Court finally confessing their sins on Iqbal!

A boy can dream, can't he?

Maybe I'm jazzed up because Senator Leahy has that regrettably vague pleading standard in his sights:

Today, in sometimes tense exchanges, those senators went head-to-head with Gregory Garre, the former solicitor general who argued and won the case almost exactly a year ago.

Garre, now chair of the appellate practice at Latham & Watkins, testified about the case at a Dec. 2 hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. He said there has not been enough research to conclude that the Iqbal decision — and the related 2007 decision in Bell Atlantic Corp. v. Twombly — are unfairly restricting plaintiffs.

“We need to know more. We need to know whether meritorious cases are being dismissed. We need to know if these are cases that would have been dismissed before Twombly and Iqbal,” Garre said.

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.), the committee’s chairman, said some of that research is impossible because courts are throwing out lawsuits that do not meet the higher pleading standard. “If the cases are dismissed, how are we going to know whether they were meritorious?” Leahy asked.

Garre replied that researchers could at least study whether a case might have been dismissed under the previous standard.

Sure, that'll be easy.

I also like the way the Senators get in Garre's grill over his "study":

And a third witness, University of Pennsylvania law professor Stephen Burbank, criticized Garre for citing research that Burbank considers inadequate: a 156-page memorandum (PDF) from a law clerk to the Judicial Conference’s civil rules committee.

“It is a summary of cases — appellate decisions and a non-random sample of district court cases. It’s not a study. Mr. Garre is confused,” Burbank said.

Garre responded by quoting the chairman of the civil rules committee, U.S. District Judge Mark Kravitz of Connecticut, who told The National Law Journal in September that he thinks judges are “taking a fairly nuanced view of Iqbal.”

Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) rebuked Garre at the end of the hearing, accusing him of exaggeration. “I don’t like being told something’s a study when it’s a summary…. Testimony before Congress should be accurate when you talk about something,” Franken said. Garre did not respond.

To be fair, I think our SD FL judges have in fact been fairly nuanced in the way they have approached the Iqbal standard on motions to dismiss.

The point is, though, we shouldn't have to hope and pray for such fairness and nuance on an individual, judge-by-judge basis -- the standard should be straightforward and uniform in its application (and while we're at it, you might as well have it conform to the federal rules).

Who Is Tiger Woods' Lawyer?

Oy this Tiger Woods thing is a mess.

As always, the cover up is worse than the crime. A sports figure possibly having an affair and getting into a domestic dispute with his wife is really not that big a deal.

But when you add deception, power, privilege, and a perception that a rich star is being (or wants to be) treated differently because of who he is, along with changing story lines and cancelled police interviews, you create a media frenzy and fascination that far outweighs whatever actually happened early that morning.

Who is helping Tiger dig this hole even deeper? Let's take a look:

Mark NeJame has primarily devoted his entire career to the practice of criminal defense. His reputation has been achieved over 25 years representing clients charged with almost every type of criminal offense. A passionate and skilled trial attorney and negotiator, Mark has handled literally thousands of cases in his career to successful conclusions on behalf of his clients. Being the Founder and Senior Partner of NeJame, LaFay, Jancha, Ahmed, Barker and Joshi, P.A., Mark is driven in making certain that his Firm and its team of trial attorneys provide creative, aggressive and compassionate representation in seeking the best results on behalf of its clients. Mark routinely takes on significant or complex civil/business litigation, domestic, personal injury and immigration related matters, but over the years has primarily focused on his criminal defense clients.

Mark seems like a respected and qualified Central Florida criminal defense attorney, so what the hail is he advising his client? He needs a new PR strategy and should address this head on.

Meanwhile, Tiger's alleged mistress Rachel Uchitel has hired Gloria Allred.

This is not trending well.