So a Nine Year Old Girl Got Handcuffed for Not Performing Jumping Jacks Correctly in P.E. Class -- Welcome to Alabama!

But because it's such an "obvious violation" of the child's Fourth Amendment rights the 11th Circuit reversed the district court and found that no public purpose was served and therefore no attorney's fees were appropriate for the lengthy litigation (including trial) necessary to vindicate that right:

The majority opinion emphasizes that Bostic’s handcuffing of Gray was an “obvious violation of Gray’s Fourth Amendment rights.” Id. at 18 (emphasis in original) (internal quotation marks omitted).  Because it was an “obvious violation,” says the majority opinion, Gray’s litigation could not possibly be significant, because she did not “change the law.” Id. at 18–19. By this logic, any future decision by this court that denies qualified immunity to a government actor will be deemed insignificant, because every denial of qualified immunity stems from “obvious” constitutional violations.

There's no crying in P.E. class!

Your Friday Lawyer's Orgasm!

Get ready to indulge your wildest fantasies, as long as those fantasies involve senior arcades, Dave & Buster's. and Broward attorney Michael Wolf:

“The law is a lawyer’s haven, a lawyer’s orgasm,” said Fort Lauderdale attorney Michael Wolf, who represents the senior arcades. “You’re going to see a lot more litigation before this is finished.”

Who else needs a cigarette?

Have a great weekend!

Read more here: http://www.miamiherald.com/2013/07/02/3481991/video-arcades-sue-dave-busters.html#storylink=cpy

Patriotic 3d DCA Watch -- Judge Shepherd, Michael Moore and Melanie Damian Together Again Edition!

Happy Fourth of July everybody!

In honor of the founding of our nation, the Resplendently Robed Ones have issued a special commemorative 3d DCA Watch, filled with fan favorites and fireworks -- let's get right to it:

First off, there is this:

Chief Judge Elect - Frank A. Shepherd to become Chief Judge.

On July 1, 2013, Chief Judge Elect- Frank A. Shepherd will succeed Chief Judge Linda Ann Wells of the Third District Court of Appeal for a term that will run through July 1, 2015.

Dear Time Traveler:  see what happens when you go to 1978 for the weekend?

Congrats to the new Chief Judge!

Marine Resource v. Michael Moore:

Hey, what do you know -- this case involves resident American gadfly Michael Moore!

(True, this Michael Moore is a local attorney, but a Moore's a Moore I always say!)

Omes v. Ultra Enterprises:

This case involves the Ultra Festival and Melanie Damian.

'Nuff said!

Happy holidays!

Happy July 4th!

Be safe.

Forty at Fifty in Eleven

There must be something in our water.

Forty lawyers in the Eleventh Circuit are celebrating their Fiftieth year as members of the Bar. That's incredible.

There are too many folks to list but check out page 10 of the July 1, 2013 Florida Bar News. The list reads like a Who's Who. Congratulations to all.

N.B. Please tell me I won't be doing this for another 29 years ...

11th Circuit Tackles Costa Concordia Conundrum!

Can a defendant join a bunch of separate suits together as a "mass action" and remove under CAFA?

That's what Carnival did when faced with two state court suits -- each with less than a hundred plaintiffs -- brought by Costa Concordia passengers.

Judge D said that's cute but no way, and the 11th Circuit -- in a case of first impression in our Circuit -- basically agreed:

Since we know for sure that a mass action cannot be one joined on the defendant’s motion, it follows that the proposal must originate either with the plaintiffs or, perhaps, with the state court.

You know how defendant's counsel always think they know about your complaint than you do?  This takes it to a whole other level.

Guess plaintiffs are still masters of their complaint, at least for a while.

I'm Back! (The Situation, Not So Much).

Hi kids, did June even happen?

It feels like a Dallas/Newhart fever dream, what with Guest Blogger, Godwhacker, someone named Faker SFL, someone named "Patrick Goggins" (I'm kidding!), lots of prurient content (if you're grumpy gus Scalia) -- plus a certified Time Traveler.

I wish I could say I'm fully rested and restored, but I spent a month in sybaritic pursuit of frivolous, purely hedonistic pleasures, pushing myself to and beyond all known mental and physical limits, until I literally collapsed from exhaustion, unable to imbibe through my senses or pores even one more delectable morsel of transitory joy from my decadent surroundings, leaving me drained and emptied of all energy and life force, quaking quietly and gasping for breath as I pulled myself together and somehow crawled with trembling hands and unsteady feet back into my law office.

And summer's just kicking in!

Let's start the week off with a thorough, devastating legal defeat for our good friend The Situation, courtesy of the always dapper Magistrate Judge O'Sullivan:

The undersigned finds that the plaintiffs have failed to present a triable issue of fact as to whether the defendants’ “The Fitchuation” t-shirt was likely to confuse consumers into believing that the shirt came from the plaintiff rather than A&F. Additionally, the plaintiffs did not satisfy their burden of showing that they had valid rights to “The Situation” as a trademark covering apparel at the time that A&F introduced its “The Fitchuation” t-shirt.

See, this is important legal stuff!

My informed legal opinion:  Once the Houlinator™ entered an appearance, put a stick in it, The Situation was done.

But that's why God gave us appellate courts, right?