SFL Friday -- My Bonnie Better Lie Way the Hail Over the Ocean

Like that freaky old gypsy in Drag Me to Hell, Cavs owner Dan Gilbert has apparently cursed all of South Florida with a form of revenge known as "Tropical Storm Bonnie."

Thanks for being such a d$%k, Dan.

So get with your loved one (or ones), hunker down, start serving libations early and roll with the weekend -- but make sure to buy lots of batteries first.

I had a reading comprehension question in connection with this article from the Herald, about an FHP officer who apparently wrote hundreds of bogus tickets:

Lawrence, who was based in Miami-Dade, wrote the tickets to boost his overall count reported to superiors, prosecutors said. FHP has said it doesn't set quotas for tickets.

What part am I missing here? Why can't prosecutors ascertain the relationship between the "overall count reported to superiors" and an officer's job evaluations, pay raise evaluations, or other performance incentives at FHP?

In other news, consider this:

Approximately half of all Americans say they have sex at least once a week.

Now that is just gross -- have you seen what half of all Americans look like?

All I can say to send you off on a wet, dreary weekend is to get on the right side of that statistic, stay safe and let's hope Kathleen Williams gets confirmed sometime before the end of President Obama's third term (congrats!!!!).

Have a great weekend!

News Flash: Alan Fertel Is A Sports Nut!

I used to see Alan a lot at the gym, and here's a prototypical example of a conversation we would have quite frequently:

SFL: Hi Alan.

AKF: The Fins will be SLAMMING this year!!

SFL: Aah, yep, I sure hope so.

AKF: How 'bout the moves [insert player here] made on [insert another player here]??

SFL: Pretty impressive.

AKF: Was that AMAZING, or what???

SFL: Sure was.

AKF: Just F*&KING AWESOME!!

[pause]

AKF: Want to play hoops?

Anyways, I'm reminded of this by Alan's exuberant column today extolling the Troika that Saved Miami.

Let's hope Alan's even partially right.

Has the 11th Circuit Done Anything Interesting Lately?

Here I sit, half-watching Watchmen (hi Carla!) for the umpteenth time, as I reflect on the noble practice of law detailed in the NYT:

Collection law firms are able to handle such large volumes of cases because computer software automates much of their work. Typically, a debt buyer sends a law firm an electronic database that contains various data about consumers, including name, home address, the outstanding balance, the date of default and whether interest is still accruing on the account.

Once the data is obtained by a law firm, software like Collection-Master from a company called Commercial Legal Software can “take a file and run it through the entire legal system automatically,” including sending out collection letters, summonses and lawsuits, said Nicholas D. Arcaro, vice president for sales and marketing at the company.

No group has definitive statistics on debt collection lawsuits, but federal regulators, collection lawyers and judges say the numbers have increased and are straining the court system.

Does any part of that constitute the "practice of law"?

Indeed, if the entire lawsuit is automated, why even have judges?

Just let "Collection-Master" enter judgment and be done with it -- the taxpayer savings would be huge!

Meanwhile you can't find a file in the LA courthouse anymore because people like Lindsay Lohan and Mel Gibson have to do stupid things there (and then get caught):

With California $20 billion in debt, the Los Angeles court system has been forced to lay off more than 300 employees. These cutback come as the courtrooms are overflowing with celebrities. And many say our system of justice is being short changed.

"You're seeing hundreds of thousands of dollars, if not millions of dollars, just for the security when a celebrity comes in to court," Sax told ABC News

Dear LeBron: please don't get in any legal trouble.

Oh well, whenever I get depressed about the state of our state legal system (the intrepid one's interview with our Chief Justice is here), I always ask myself -- has the 11th Circuit done anything interesting lately?

Surprisingly, the answer is yes -- it reversed Judge Moreno in yet another HMO opinion.

The issue this time around has something to do with claim preclusion, res judicata, whatever you want to call it.

In fact, that's precisely the realpolitik formulation offered by Chief Judge Dubina:

In consideration of these goals, our circuit has used a variety of labels to describe the methods by which we judge the similarity of two causes of action. Compare NAACP v. Hunt, 891 F.2d 1555, 1561 (11th Cir. 1990) (noting that the “principle test” for comparing cases involves inquiry into the primary rights and duties implicated) with In re Atlanta Retail, Inc., 456 F.3d 1277, 1288 (11th Cir. 2006) (examining whether cases involve “the same nucleus of operative fact”) and In re Piper Aircraft, 244 F.3d at 1296–97 (noting that claims are the same “when they arise out of the same transaction or series of transactions”). Nothing in our jurisprudence suggests that any meaningful analytical difference derives from the label we affix to the method of comparison. See e.g., Ragsdale, 193 F.3d at 1239 & n.8 (concurrently reciting all three of the above labels in describing our comparative approach).

I love that, even though I think Judge Moreno was right -- who are we kidding, these claims are identical (cue prosecutor from My Cousin Vinny).

I wonder how "Collection-Master" would have ruled?

SFL Friday -- Did Something Happen Involving the Miami Heat?

Since I'm a blogger I'm legally obligated to comment on the LeBron announcement, so here's my reaction -- this is great news for lawyers!

Think of all the fun lawsuits we'll get to work on now that he's going to be based in Miami -- like this one filed by a former SEC lawyer who claims he is LeBron's dad.

This is my favorite part:

TMZ, which broke the news, said that “In his suit, Stovell claims he has a very clear recollection of the night he had ‘consensual sexual relations’ with Gloria — in fact, he even remembers apologizing for his sub-par performance.”

Dude, come on -- you're in federal court. Too much information!

Or is this yet another pernicious consequence of Iqbal?

In other news, Dads roll over and fall asleep, women not so much, and pregnant people are cool.

Now I don't know about you, but I have to get on my water-soluble bathing suit and head out for some healthy, vigorous old-fashioned windsurfing.

Have a great weekend!